How to be ‘woke’ this Halloween

(Article from on 31st October 2019)

Halloween used to be so easy. Kids would get dressed up, go trick or treating, eat too much chocolate, wear disposable costumes and wear ghoulish makeup.

Adults – especially young adults – would get dressed up too – go hell raising for a night wearing whatever they wanted. The more outrageous, the better. But alas, that was then.

Welcome to now. In 2019, as the newly ‘woke’ extend their power, your costumes and those of your children need to be policed. No longer a celebration of the dead saints at the end of the liturgical year, this is now an opportunity for political posturing. A moment to show the world that uptight, politically correct judgemental people are morally superior to the plebs dressed as Stevie Wonder.

Between #metoo, ‘frightgeist’ and online outrage, Wednesday 31st October has become an ethical minefield. Last week, pumpkins were deemed racist, because they were painted black and had to be removed from shelves over ‘blackface’ concerns.

New York retailer Bed Bath & Beyond pulled the artificial pumpkins, after members of the local community objected. Lawyers were involved. The perpetrators were publicly hung.

How to navigate your way around woke Halloween

For the first time in history, Halloween is actually scary. So, with that in mind, here’s a guide to navigating your way around All Hallow’s, snowflake style.

First, it’s important to apologise for previous costume sins, even if they occurred when we were children.

“Dear woke community, I put tights over my head as a child, and I’d like to apologise to armed robbers for making a mockery of them. I know I caused offence…etc.”  For effect, it’s preferable to release a video, looking pensive, reflective and contrite.

For how-to tips, check out re-elected liberal Canadian PM and emperor of wokeness Justin Trudeau’s apology for dressing up as Aladdin at an Arabian Nights themed party in 2001.

“I dressed up in an Aladdin costume. I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t think was racist at the time. Now I recognise that it was a racist thing to do. I should have known better.

There are people who make mistakes. I deeply regret that I did that. I should have known better, but I didn’t… etc” he said in a video filmed on a plane. What colour should Aladdin have been? Salmon?

Anyway, so once we’ve flagellated publicly and privately, we need to figure out what exactly we can wear. It’s difficult to know who you could be offending so it’s importance to get guidance.

What not to wear

For advice, it’s good to go to students, because they know everything better than the rest of us and are trailblazers in making people feel shit about themselves.

Like the good little swots they are, the student union at Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario prepared a list of prohibited costumes for its annual Halloween bash so their disciples who can’t think for themselves have a manifesto to follow. It includes any form of Native American headdress, costumes like bunny or cat suits that are bizarrely assumed to mock suicide or rape, or any costumes depicting transgender activist Caitlyn Jenner.

As it’s important to make people feel more isolated, scared and nervous, a growing number of institutions have taken a more ‘proactive approach to curb potentially offensive outfits’

Feminism has obviously crashed the slutty party, so sexy is out. What about going as a suffragette or a character from The Handmaid’s Tale, with a long red cloak and a white bonnet you ask?

Negative. Last year an online retailer began selling ‘sexy Handmaid’s Tale’ costumes, to see if there was a demand for a more coquettish version. They were forced to stop because of the predictable outcry from people who haven’t been oppressed. ‘There’s nothing sexy about oppressing women,’ feminists on CNN insisted.

Sorry. What else?

A geisha or Day of the Dead merchant? No. That’s ‘cultural appropriation’, and also verboten.

According to Bustle, a site for millennial women, ninjas, Egyptian queens and voodoo doctors also ‘reduce a culture to a costume’ so must be avoided. The site previously advised dressing as a ballerina, a box of popcorn or a hashtag, to avoid causing offence.

Oddly, if I were to wear a Genghis Khan outfit, no one would be offended, yet Hitler is a no no. So, keep in mind that what you wear depends on the historical knowledge of the person judging you. But keep in mind, if you want to be a public figure at any point in your life, go as a ghost, because you will more than likely be filmed by a ‘concerned friend,’ who will later sell your video for lots of money.

So, what can you wear?  Well, if you want to be PC, and let the posturing offended woke people who are on the right side of the argument, then dress as Donald Trump. Feel free to carve pumpkins into ‘Trumpkins’ with angry faces. Get some orange face paint. That’s about it. Witches, I imagine are offensive to feminists so beware. They could bite.

And don’t forget about food. Once you’ve gotten your woke costume on, make sure to lecture people about sugar and animal fats. After all, the people handing out trick or treats need to know about the joys of veganism.

Then once you’ve done that, it’s important to congratulate all the woke people. After all, if you get worried about a Halloween costume that someone else is wearing or wore 20 years ago, then you have a great life.

Good for you. Thanks for pointing it out and rubbing it in everyone’s faces. In the meantime, let those who are trying their best go out and enjoy themselves.