Bankers will crash land in our capital

I was laughing when I saw the cover of Time Magazine. Not at the perfectly taken photograph of our ‘Prime Minister’ Leo Varadkar or the predictability of the lead article, but rather at the quote by our emperor in new clothing stating that Ireland was ‘An island at the center of the world.’

I was wondering what wold that is? The globalist world? The world where ordinary people are represented? Or the Irish ‘notions of ourselves’ world in which we are a dominant global force.

We are world leaders in selling ourselves and rightly so – we are great and all that but, are we really that great? We’ve conjured up plenty to write home about like our blossoming economy and well educated work force and we’ve managed to secure about a dozen or so London based big banks and finance houses moving to move some of their operations to Dublin in preparation for Brexit- one potentially bringing up to 1000 staff, but are we ready for them?

These ‘poor’ high rollers have to come to Dublin and try to cope with our unfixable traffic problems, lack of top quality housing, creche and pre-school places, below par public transport and lack of amenities. Its like the rich auntie from Bel Air coming to stay with you in your semi d in suburbia. If you happen to have one of those aunts.

They will also bring the final nail into the coffin for the average Untermensch- (German for sub humans) like me and other low to mid range earners looking to find a place to live in Dublin. Currently there are 1365 properties in the capital on Daft.ie. Very often there are less than 1100 so that’s between 100 and 300 sub par homes to divvy up between us after they arrive.

Such demand will make Monaco cheaper than Saggart as greedy landlords look to cash in.
You can’t compare what Dublin has to offer with South Kensington, Chelsea or Marylbone for the more demanding renter or potential buyer. These people are used to serviced apartments with east wings, west wings, concierges and several bathrooms- perhaps a golden lion head on the end of a tap. They have excellent public services and lovely swimming pools and sports centres and restaurants nearby. The garish Celtic Tiger new builds are a joke compared to this stuff.
In leu of the lack of available housing, these bankers may have to live in Dalkey or Greystones. They may contemplate hopping on the DART to get to work in the Financial Services Centre thinking it may get them from A to B in less than a year. They will be sorely mistaken. I got a train from Hong Kong to Beijing and it was quicker than the last time I got a DART from Dun Laoghaire to Sutton. I left in 2016, and arrived in 2017 after a change en route and an unexpected 40 minute delay on the tracks.
Instead, the ex Londoners may decide to take their German cars and drive to work. Poor them. I can’t remember the last time I drove from the Southside to the Northside, because by choice I don’t have a car in Dublin. I’ll never get those wasted hours sitting in traffic back plus no offense to cyclists, but there’s so many of them now, they give me massive anxiety.
Used to convenience, the newly arrived may be dissapointed to find that their childcare facilities aren’t down the road, as would be the case in other European capitals. As I’m writing this article my two year old is jumping around on top of me trying to get my attention by slamming down my computer screen over and over again.  I mind her at home because I haven’t found a creche in my area, which has a place for her. “We don’t have anything till 2345, but I can put your name down,” I hear every time I make the dreaded phone call. “What about three mornings a week?” I’d ask, knowing what reply was en route. ‘No sorry, we don’t do that because of blablabla.”
Whatever about creches, do the bankers know they need put their kids names down for schools now if they’re planning to move here in 2019? In fact, if they want their kids to be in Educate Together schools in Dublin, they better register them even if they’re not pregnant yet.
So why am I so concerned about the wellbeing of wealthy bankers you may ask? I’m not. I’m just highlighting our shortcomings. I loved when Ireland was a lovely backwater. My favourite times were the 1980s and 1990s. I grew up in Dublin 2 in an apartment block comprising of artists, nutters, old ladies with cigarette holders playing bridge and poets etc- it was like Death on the Nile meets Withnail and I. Phil Lynott and Malcolm McArthur would roam the neighbourhoods. It was amazing. And you’re trying to tell me now is better? These apartments currently cost €2,500 per month unserviced and none of the people who used to live there, can live there now. The fabric of the city upon which its personality was built is no longer there and its a crying shame.
Now we have a master race, inhabited by such bankers and others who are pushing the rest of us out. Gentrification is the enemy. I have no idea where people who used to inhabit our centers live now. The soul is gone out of our city and by the looks of things its not coming back anytime soon. I doubt the bankers will care too much about old Dublin, but they were still sold on the idea of it.
The economy is booming, house prices are up, cocaine use is up, which is a good reflection of how rich we are, plus the rate of unemployment has fallen to a new post-crash low of 6.3 per cent, according to the CSO. You don’t hear about how many of these people are on the minimum wage, which means they come out with around €100 more than if they were unemployed. These people are existing, not living.
We keep getting told that we will win big on Brexit which will aid our overinflated egos, and even hike up the cost of living even more, which by the way is not attractive to bankers or finances either. No one enjoys being ripped off, especially rich folk. Plus, even if you earn €120,000 a year, you’ll have an average existence in Dublin, not luxurious ones.
I asked a carpenter what he thought of the trickle down effect of big banks coming to Ireland and he said ‘Its shite.’ It looks good internationally that we’re back as we welcome global interest and business, but I won’t quaff the champagne I can’t afford just yet.

I’ll just kick back in my temporary home made out of empty cider flagans on some motorway along with other middle earners and watch our new Dubliners stuck in traffic on our full to capacity roads. As I’m contemplating life in my new €1500 a month abode, I’ll think to myself- ‘isn’t it great to live in the center of the world.’