9 Reasons why I won’t go to any festivals this year

I know the four people reading this don’t give a shit what I do, but as an erstwhile fan, I’ve lost all interest in festivals.

So why you ask?? I used to love them so much. Now I don’t.

  1. I’m old. My frontal lobe isn’t open to new experiences, and the older you get, the less enthusiastic you are about things. Fact. Especially if they are bad versions of what you experienced before..
  2. Which leads me onto my next point. Festivals used to be better. I know, it’s such a old person thing to say, but they were. It was sunny for starters. Remember the first few Picnics? Weren’t we just wearing T-shirts all night?  They were smaller, more manageable, cheaper with better acts and you used to bump into people you knew, who weren’t wearing festival wellies. Then see them again later. It was magic. There was a time when you could buy your tickets at the gates.. Even for Burning Man.. and drive in to a camp and just stay there. 
  3. The expense. Here’s a rough breakdown of costs: Artisan pulled tofu pork on gluten free bap with. €789, raw cacao gluten free, soy, coconut water latte: €456, toilet water: €78, Guinness flavoured craft beer that tastes like shit: €641, admission: €8654.
  4. The music sucks. I was at Body and Soul last year and six people were dancing on a    stage, while another one was rapping to M People. These hipsters think they’re so cool, they can play shit tunes and get away with it. They can’t.  
  5. Millennials, hipsters, a combination of both.
  6. It’s cold at festivals now. It was -6 at the last Forbidden Fruit. I didn’t go in. I was too scared of the dodge crowd.
  7. There are too many of them. I can’t deal with too much of anything. Takes the fun out of it, which brings me back to point 1.
  8. Social media took the craic out of festivals.
  9. They’re kind of arbitrary. Half the time I’m wandering around going wtf am I doing here?..